I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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