Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
