Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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