can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
