finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
