Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
The best revenge is premature balding
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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