he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
