so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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