I've blown a few things in my day
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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