WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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