remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
