Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
