My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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