I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
