I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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