I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
