Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
