Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
