i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
