Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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