On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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