Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
two words: eviction party
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
