True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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