Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
