A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
OPIZZABONMYDICK
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
