If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
