Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
