mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
