ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
