Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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