Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Randomize
