I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
