no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
