Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
