we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
