Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
