She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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