i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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