just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
