i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
