The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
