I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
farters have to be the big spoon...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Randomize
