K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
