you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
