if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
There are leaves in my underwear?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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