dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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