will power is for people who don't want to get laid
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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