my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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