I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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