why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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