do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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