I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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