Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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