I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
